There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
