Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
