Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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