That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
