I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
