She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
