Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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