my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
