Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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