Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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