I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
