Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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