one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
