Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
