Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
