Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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