How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
