You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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