No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
