1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
