just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
