When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize