When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
