sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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