See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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