Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
