As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
