sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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