I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
