i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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