someone threw a dead crab at me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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