I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
