I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
