You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
