You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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