No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
