if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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