I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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