I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
