Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
