I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
