Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
