He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
