I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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