yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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