My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
