yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
