Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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