I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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