turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So vagazzling was a success
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
