watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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