Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
