Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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