Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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