You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
