I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
