I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize